It's been several weeks since then and there aren't any feelings from either side anymore.
But her behavior for the final few weeks of us dating continue to bother me, especially as she became very unresponsive to my life happenings. I was going through an awful, awful period of my life, and I felt like she couldn't be counted on for support.
I Tried Dating Someone as “Friends First”
I also felt like I was being led on in our dating relationship, especially when looking back I was the first person she ever dated though, so I don't fault her for not knowing what to do here. It especially made no sense because she wasn't like this prior to dating, and after we broke it off she came off as caring about my life again. Since then I went full-on no contact from her. There aren't any romantic feelings anymore, and I know there is mutual interest in us becoming friends again.
I think we bonded way too much the past few months to throw our friendship away, and we have too many mutual friends who didn't know we dated to continue avoiding each other anyway. It's been manageable so far since we were long distance for most of our dating relationship, but she's coming back to campus next week and people are going to find out.
How should I proceed to reconnect and communicate with her? How do I phrase my intentions that I want to be friends but need to air out things she did that really bothered me? Is this even a good idea? You don't want to be friends with an ex, like, maybe until several years have passed. Put your energy now into moving forward with new relationships and finding support for yourself in other ways that extend beyond romantic partnerships, in short, let go of the past and focus on finding a better present and future for yourself. Maybe to some people it's impossible but I know I can do it.
I can hardly call her an ex given that we casually dated anyway. Your idea to "air" out some grievances is obviously your sole purpose here, like it's simply not hidden except maybe to yourself?
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Airing grievances post break-up is a shitty no good thing to do, and you know this. Remain cordial since you have friends in common. No one will know if you don't talk about her. See a therapist if you can't re-frame this and still feel anger towards her.
It is in your own best interests to move on emotionally and stop thinking about this person. Do anything but focus on this. It's normal things don't work out, no shame on either side, and please be kind to yourself by processing your feelings privately. I'm good friends with a lot of my exes and think it's very normal to be friends with an ex, and to transition from dating to that friendship with reasonable ease, just so my bias is on the table here before I get to my advice: Until you can let go of your need to "air things out", you're not ready to be her friend.
Work on your own issues. Understand that she probably has issues of her own, which are just as valid as yours. Figure out whether you want to be her friend, for real, or if you just want to air some dirty laundry. You're not entitled to expect her to make you feel better about whatever happened, or to expect an apology or anything like that.
Move on and see where you are in a while. You can't be a good friend to someone who you have a big grudge with.
I think you want someone to be a friend to you, because it's nice to have a friend, and because you're buying into the sunk cost fallacy and are clinging to those old good feelings because feeling bad about a breakup and being reminded of it all the time is no fun. But you're not in a good place to be a good friend to this person so you should leave her alone. Yeah you're gonna see her around, but there's a lot of people you're going to see around who you aren't friends with.
Make some new friends and leave this woman alone. She didn't want to be dating you.
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I'm sorry that you're hurting, and you absolutely deserve to process those feelings with someone, but that someone shouldn't be her. Being friends with Ex's shouldn't be as complicated as the relationship was Sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't- You show her that you want to be her friend by keeping your distance and respecting the fact that you are not together. You remain cordial to her in a group setting.
You respect her confidences and privacy. Let your encounters happen by chance- let them be brief and friendly. Work on whatever you need to work on by yourself-- as if she isn't the one who is your Ex. Keep in mind that she was probably fumbling around with how to break up with you or how to talk to you. She sounds like she didn't know how to be in that relationship and probably didn't know how to get out of it.
By "air out things that she did that really bothered me" it sounds to me like you actually mean one or all of the following: Although I suppose she could give you some piece of the puzzle that you were missing, I don't really see what difference that would make. The absolute best case scenario is that she will say, "I really couldn't be there for you at the time and in a romantic way because I had my own issues to deal with like X, Y, and Z.
If you want to go pain shopping to find out more about the reasons she didn't want to continue to be a romantic relationship with you, you're not looking to re-establish a friendship. You should not expect her to try and change your feelings or experiences; by ending the relationship, she's told you that she does not want you to try and change hers. Finally, given that you say the romance was casual, it doesn't sound like she was particularly obliged to help you navigate tough issues with the kind of intimacy or intensity you seem to have expected.
I don't understand why you're expecting a similar kind of intimacy or intensity now -- when you haven't even spoken in months -- in which she helps you process what seems to be another tough issue for you: You should process this breakup with other friends or a therapist because there's nothing you or she can say now that will change what happened, she's not responsible for your experiences or feelings, and you have no claim to hers.
You didn't feel a need to date her until you were going through an awful awful time in your life, and then you got pissed that she wasn't providing the support that you expected her to provide, and now you want to reconnect with her so that you can vent to her about how she failed you as a girlfriend? Show some humanity and some humility and remain no contact.
She doesn't need a friend who treats her like that. So, you would find it hard to avoid each other, and you're both interested in being friends again. I'm going to respond with trust in this premise. You can't require this of her anyway. Recognize that the friendship may take time to develop and it may be something new, not a return to what you had before, and that's okay. Prepare to give it space and be responsive to what's happening in the moment, and don't force things on your side or hers.
Friends to dating to friends - friendship relationship resolved | Ask MetaFilter
He was a perfectly decent-looking guy who treated me respectfully, though we seemed to have limited chemistry. I realized at the end of the third date: Usually within 15 or 30 minutes, but certainly within an hour. I will at least know if I want to spend more time with this person and have an interest in exploring our chemistry not necessarily at that first meeting, but at some point. Did I feel an overwhelming attraction and connection to him?
I would have felt tacky to ask him to throw that out the window.
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I did call him a few days later to have a chat. I know everyone has their own policy on this, but for me: To be frank, that only confirmed to me that we were better off ending this now. I know a lot of people find the friends first approach more relaxed and organic. I embrace whatever works for each individual! But I have NO doubt that the friends first thing is not for me!
To go into a new relationship with an intentionally ambiguous maybe-we-will-eventually-have-chemistry is unsatisfactory, confusing, and unappealing to me.